Narcissism, according by the dictionary’s definition, is a personality disorder characterized by extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration. Narcissists constantly think of their own desires, feelings and abilities.
You may realize something seems really wrong with the person you are dating but can’t pinpoint what it is. Your gut feeling tells you the way they treat you isn’t right. You might even start to wonder if it’s you there’s something wrong with, because you are most likely told by them that you are the problem and are to blame for the relationship being the way it is. You will also be blamed for a plethora of other things as well, whether you did them or not! You have tried your best to figure out why your relationship won’t work no matter how hard you have tried and no matter how much you love the other person. This is because …..it’s ALL about them!
Although most people have a slight bit of some of these traits, narcissists have an extreme amount of these traits, and can easily be set apart from the average person. Narcissists insist they aren’t average people anyway, since they are so superior. Before taking the blame, just because they want you to (AND TRY THEIR BEST TO FORCE YOU TO), take a good look at the signs and traits of a narcissist to see if the person you are dating displays many of them.
20 Traits of a Narcissist
1. PUBLIC APPEARANCE
Acts differently in public than in private.
A narcissist will appear charming, friendly and publicly compliment people quite often just to make themselves look good and possibly gain being liked. When you are in private with this person, they blame, judge and criticize you and others (even the ones they just complimented) to no end. They actively advertise their “character” when it’s their image that’s most important to them. Simply put, they are two-faced and very fake. Narcissists become extremely upset with the people who can see through their facade.
Narcissists commonly display false humility to bait the admiration of others. They make sure to speak out loud about being humble and not above others, to gain respect and admiration for being such a good person. They spend much more time trying to make people think they are a good person than actually being one.
Love? No, they want attention, as long as it’s positive.
Narcissists are not interested in truly loving someone else or letting someone else love them. They have a twisted perception of what love is and are more than happy with being showered with attention. Love is not enough of a challenge for them. They can’t receive an award, money, reward or recognition for it, and they simply don’t have time for it. Attention fills their void, or so they think, so unfortunately, they will never experience the joy and happiness that true love brings.
Will blame you for any misunderstandings in the relationship.
Misunderstandings will always be your fault no matter how bad of a communicator they are. Most of the time they are going in circles with the way they speak and there’s no way anyone could possible “understand” or follow what they are saying. They are always misunderstood, and it’s never their fault. Narcissists tend to lie as well, so if the words they are saying confuse you and don’t add up, it’s probably because the truth is missing.
Ignores evidence and facts when confronted with them.
Facts mean nothing to them because in their minds, they are right and that’s all that matters. They will take it a few steps further and twist the facts and blame you to take the negative attention away from them. You will be at fault for finding out the facts and truth as well.
Acts superior and often lives by a double standard.
It is quite ok for them to speak and behave the exact way they condemn you for speaking and behaving. Watch out! You will never win this battle. After all, they are way above your level.
Brags about their intelligence, considering themselves to be much smarter and more insightful than others.
Narcissists will brag about how many books they have read, how much they have learned in life, and pride themselves on being self-taught. They are so smart, so great and capable that they didn’t need a teacher. Their grandiose thoughts about themselves clearly display their deep insecurities, caused by someone telling them they were stupid while growing up. This is a life-long quest to prove people wrong.
Needs to feel powerful.
Narcissists are VERY insecure people, which shows in all of their traits. They try to achieve power and will choose career positions that give them power over others. Of course they call this “leadership”, so they look like they are doing some form of good.
Dreams of unlimited success and fame.
These people want to be highly successful and strongly believe that is what life is about. These are the same people who think its important to have thousands of followers on social media. They create many websites to showcase themselves or their “talent”. It makes them feel important and possibly even famous in their own minds. In their careers, they are on a never-ending quest to climb the ladder, collecting titles along the way.
Seek people and situations that feed their ego due to their need for admiration and praise. Again, they are seeking attention, admiration and praise. They will put themselves in situations with strangers who don’t know who they really are, just to receive these things. They’ll offer a service or a make nice gesture solely for their benefit, to receive praise and admiration for what they did. They enjoy situations that make them look like a hero and may go as far as trying to save people. You just might see them on stage too!
11. NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Nothing you say or do is ever (and will never be) good enough.
You can’t possibly stroke a narcissist’s ego hard enough, fast enough or long enough. You can go out of your way to please them and make them a priority to the best of your ability and it will just never be enough. You are human and imperfect, therefore are not good enough for them.
12. PERFECTION AND WORTHINESS
Over-achievers who work overly hard at trying to prove their worth. They strive for perfection in order to do this, and expect nothing less than perfection from others. They do this through their jobs, therefore are workaholics. There is really no end to the amount of effort and time they will spend exhausting themselves to feel worthy. This stems from their childhood, in which they were repeatedly told they were worthless.
Narcissists lives are completely imbalanced and they don’t care one bit. All of their energy, effort and time they invest in things that are important to them will consume them. Whenever it comes to mind that they are actually in a relationship, they might try to fit you in their schedule for a little bit somewhere, but it will never be anywhere close to the number of hours they are giving to create their false security.
Their highest agenda is their own comfort and happiness.
Don’t expect to be a priority if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. They are extremely selfish people, so all of THEIR wants, needs, desires, goals, achievements, hobbies, etc. will always be top priority for them. They don’t understand the basic fundamentals of a relationship and what makes one healthy and strong. It doesn’t matter anyway because they don’t see any purpose in having success in a relationship. Again, their view of success has everything to do with their careers and whatever other ways they can find to appear worthy and powerful, and nothing to do with you.
Will discard you when you don’t serve their purpose anymore.
The moment they don’t get what they want from you and are no longer benefiting from having you around, they have no problem letting you go, and of course blaming you for making them do that. When you stop building their ego, or you can’t help them get ahead in life, there will be no future between you two.
They are bullies!
They’ll claim your behavior is the problem. Don’t dare point out their bad behaviors.
If you ever point out their bad behavior and the way they are treating you, expect for it to be turned around immediately, so they can explain why it’s YOUR behavior that’s the problem and will also blame you for being upset by how they treat you.. A narcissist won’t take responsibility for their nasty words and behavior, so prepared to be hurt.
Takes personal offense at the slightest perceived criticism.
Ah, their insecurity gets uglier by the minute when they feel like they are being attacked. They become defensive, argumentative, bitter and hateful when criticized. It doesn’t matter if you simply don’t care for the shirt they are wearing that day, they take it highly personal and will hold a grudge for years to come, possibly til they die. This is also magnified if their mother criticized them as a child.
Is controlling and manipulative – it’s their way or the highway.
They will use many methods of control and manipulation to get you to behave and speak the way they want you to. By making you feel bad for your wants and needs, they feel better about themselves. It also gives them power.
Will more readily use foul language and be rude.
Have you ever noticed how ignorant, insecure people are the loudest and most foul-mouthed people you hear? This type of behavior and speech makes them feel powerful. They really feel like they have put you in your place better by cursing at you. It doesn’t matter that you have expressed your dislike for being spoken to like that because according to them, it is your fault they speak to you that way.
Use the silent treatment to control, punish and invalidate you, especially if you have pointed out one of their flaws or mistakes. Since they feel superior, they treat you like a child who needs to be punished to learn a lesson, and they believe they are definitely the ones who should do it. This goes for affection too. They will withhold any type of affection, especially sex, until they think you have been punished enough.
Loving a narcissist is lonely, hurtful and damaging if you stay in a relationship with them too long. Over time, your self-esteem may be lowered until you feel like nobody else would want you, so you may as well stay with them. This is not true! If you look at a narcissist’s history it will most likely show they have never had a successful relationship. They may have been married (and divorced) more times than most people. They won’t see how selfish they are and why their relationships have all failed, because of course it’s always the other person’s fault in their eyes.
There is nothing YOU can do about this. The narcissist will always be chasing their dream, and you aren’t in it. By staying with them, you are breaking your own heart. Let them go. Stop wasting your life trying to get their love, approval, time or attention. Stop settling for the crumbs of time they give you. There are many other people out there with a healthier perspective on love, relationships, priorities and the meaning and purpose of life. Find someone who loves and respects you enough to make you a priority, so you can share your lives and love to your fullest capacity. You deserve it!
“Confidence is quiet. Insecurities are loud.”
“Life is not about being rich, popular, highly educated or perfect. It is about being real, humble and kind.”
“Integrity is choosing your thoughts and actions based on values rather than personal gain.”
“Happy people don’t go through life seeking recognition. They go through life giving it away.”
“Be strong enough to walk away from what’s hurting you and patient enough to wait for what you deserve.”
“Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.
Don’t treat as a priority the one who treats you like an option.”
“Never choose someone who needs to think twice about choosing you.”
“Surround yourself with people who see your value.”
“It’s never too late for a new beginning in your life.”